Day 10 Round 2 Nobody said it was going to be easy.....

.......last few of days where really tough not gonna lie I was exhausted by the end of last week which put me in that awful downward spiral you know the one that only takes a few seconds and the next thing you know, "your life is shit, what the hell are you doing, you can't do this, why did you think you could do this, there you go proving yourself right one more time.....usually these thoughts would be accompanied by a few roxy tonics, but I held out.  And then I thought wait why am I thinking these things I usually only got this way when I was drinking and I haven't been until yesterday :( a defeating day for sure I found an old bottle of peppermint schnapps from forever ago I think the first winter I lived here, anyway took a couple shots cleaned, sang at the top of my lungs and then....... cried. . . . So utterly disappointed in myself and today well really isn't much better,  went to yoga, I haven't been able to shut my brain up long enough in class it gets so clouded and so frustrating!  All I could think today is you can't so this.  What's it all for? What is this life for? What is the point? What am I working towards? I've always been a firm believer of becoming one with your soul and spirit and knowing yourself so well and I thought I had been doing that but maybe I haven't. I don't know as soon as I get to know me I change which is great change is good but even I can't keep up with myself. Accepting yourself and being at peace with yourself loving yourself, until you have any of this can you live a full life?  Do you just settle because getting to total enlightenment is just too hard? That's not a life I want, I don't want to settle for anything ever I want to know that I tried as hard as I could and be OKAY with failing a few times until I got it right.
I feel like so many negative things cloud my day I get so caught up because I try to show everyone that it doesn't always have to be so negative we don't have to judge or critize, why can't we just be. Exist, just be, love, live.
Forget about insecurities, yeah we all have them but don't let them consume you. It's funny because I say all of these things and one would think that if I know them then I live them all the time.  Or at least that is my expectation of myself. But I am human I slip, and just because I'm not complaining daily about how hard this challenge is for me doesn't' mean it isn't constantly there. That little devil on my shoulder saying you can't do this. I know I'm a pretty fricken strong person but even I have my weak moments even I need to be shown compassion, empathy, and understanding.

Well I've had about enough of all this feeling crap I have a presentation to give in the morning and I need to get some sleep.

Until next time......